Opinion #1: Justin Bieber

by
Justin Bieber
Friday 7th February 2014

A note from the Editor:
Here at PearShaped we like to think we know what we’re talking about when it comes to music. So we thought it would be refreshing if, every now and again, we hear from someone who doesn’t. A new monthly column not to be taken too seriously; we hope you enjoy the first opinion piece of many to come from Tom Barr.


Some people find it incredibly easy to hate Justin Bieber. They also find it incredibly fun. The sight of his vacant squirrelly face prancing about to simplistic, offensively inoffensive pop tunes is enough to provoke near orgasmic levels of loathing. Unless of course, you’re a ‘Belieber’. A servant of the great ‘Beelzebieb’. A devotee to ‘The Church of Justinanity’, or perhaps just inanity. These people don’t just like Justin Bieber, they go absolutely crazy for him. At his concerts thousands of girls from all around the world act as if they have some horrible, debilitating disease that only his penis can cure. People on one side of this divide need to seriously calm down. Im talking to you, Bieber-haters.

The anti-Bieber brigade have taken things to a depressing low by putting together a 100,000 signature strong petition to deport him back to Canada. The petition surpassed the required amount of signatures to require an official response from the President. The President of the United States of America. They didn’t like a 19 year old who sings mediocre pop songs and so they wasted the time of the most powerful man on the planet. Of course they didn’t think it had even a minuscule chance of succeeding, but they signed it anyway. Most of them signed it because they thought it would be funny. Maybe some of them just wanted to voice their opinion. Whatever their motivation, they are alike in one horrific respect. They let Justin Bieber affect their lives.

If the thought of Justin Bieber results in any response other than pure apathy, then you’re letting him win. Im not saying it’s easy. A piece of my soul dies every time I have to type ‘Justin Bieber’. I’m really taking one for the team here. What I am saying is that you cannot let his existence affect yours in any way. I know it’s the natural order of things. Whenever there is a huge, worldwide affection for something, there needs to be an equal and opposite reaction to it. I call it the 3rd Law of Emotion. So on one side of the equation you have mainly 12-17 year old girls and on the other is mainly 18-30 year old men. This is clearly a ridiculous situation.

Please don’t define yourself in relation to Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber doesn’t even define himself in relation to Justin Bieber. Look at his ‘off the rails’ antics and you see that he’s acting like what a 13 year old imagines a ‘bad boy’ musician to be. Marijuana? Pissing into a bucket? Throwing eggs? CURSING?!!! He probably doesn’t even go to bed on time. These are the actions you would expect of someone who hasn’t had a single one of their choices challenged from the age of 13. So it’s not really surprising that he’s not the most pleasant individual. I feel confident in saying that in our teenage years, none of us were as cool and groovy as we think we are now. You make stupid decisions and then suffer the consequences. Without any negative feedback, why do better next time? No one can grow up in a vacuum.

Imagine the stupid choices 16 year old you made. Of course YOU think its a great idea to dye blonde streaks in your hair and get your right ear pierced. You’re going to look so cool and edgy and different. Some people might not ‘get it’, but screw the haters, thats just the kind of guy you are. Then suddenly you begin to realise that you may have been a bit hasty. Maybe you should have thought for more than a few minutes before rashly changing your entire look. Okay, your mum said you looked ‘fine’, but what is she going to say? “Yes Tom, all of your friends are correct, you do look like ‘Klaus’, the lead singer of a gay German synth band.” So its only when you deal with the consequences, the months of abuse, and having to fork out an extra £19.99 in brown hair dye, that you learn from your mistakes. Im speaking generally of course.

So of course he’s a knob and of course you don’t like him or his music. It’s not meant for you. Personally I don’t get Justin Bieber’s appeal. I guess he’s attractive in a hairless, oestrogen-y kind of way. Perhaps thats why he is so popular amongst teenage girls. They get to experience sensations of attraction, without the intimidating accompaniment of sexuality or bodily hair. The lack of any detectable personality, both in his music and his skull, is his main selling point. He’s basically a massive ‘Ken’ doll that his fans can project any imaginary qualities they like onto. Whereas those not in his fan club have a non-imaginary, although just as personal, kind of substance they wish to project onto him.

My point is that I don’t have to like him. He wasn’t made with me in mind. The only effect of any opinion or feeling I have towards him, is my own unhappiness. So the same goes for you. You have two choices, hate him or ignore him. My choice is that after I finish writing this, I plan to bleach my brain with enough alcohol that I won’t be able to write or think about that man ever again.